Winter Reflections

25 Jan

This week, something has happened that has prompted a fair bit of reflection.

Welcome to 54 to Scratch, where I talk about all things golf, but this week’s blog will not be about golf per se but more why golf has become, in quite a short space of time, such an important part of my life and why I would encourage anyone to take up the sport (or find something similar to enable escape).

This week’s events have also made me reflect on what I want to achieve from this Brand - inclusivity for all and a platform for people to talk about why they play golf, the mental benefits and their progress too.

Without wishing to give the events too much air time, this blog and social channels have been found organically by some friends. These friends were full of a mixture of reactions, largely praise. But they also decided to trick me with a prank that I would say I didn’t react positively to…

But there is a big reason for that and it goes to what I was talking about before - why is golf (and this project) so important to me?

Now, I feel that a disclaimer may be required at this stage. I will be talking in the next few paragraphs about some topics that may hit close to home for some, so reader discretion is advised. That sounds very dramatic I know, but hey - don’t say I didn’t warn you!

So, back in December, Christmas has just finished and I start bracing myself for what’s likely to be my week off. I expect I’ll get the same feelings as every year for the past 9 years - anger, depression, tears over nothing. It happens every year and has ever since 12th August 2013.

That was the date my father passed away. An event that will always be etched on my mind. Unfortunately, watching someone you love suffer and in pain is a terrible thing to witness. Even seeing him panicked in a drug induced stupor was hard to see and watching him pass was heartbreaking.

Obviously, my wife, mum, step-dad and Sisters were there. But I was given the responsibility of being executor to his will and made sure we had his funeral organised quickly and efficiently. I tried to lead our family through the grief as much as I could, trying to shield my sisters in particular in whatever way I thought would help.

For me, Football played an important role in giving me a place to compartmentalise and take out my aggression in a constructive way.

Out of this grief, I came to realise that siblings are important too. Simply being a big brother helped me massively when I wasn’t active - giving me something to focus on. So myself and my wife decided to try for a second child, a risk given our experiences with Post Natal Depression previously.

On the 29th December 2013, we had our first scan (prematurely) to find out we were having a baby boy. This would have been my Dad’s birthday which obviously gave some rather poignant meaning.

Fast forward to 18th July 2014 and it’s a stormy night to say the least. Becky has just gone upstairs in our new house to check on Zach who was woken by the storm and wanted his mum. I should have gone up. As Becky is coming down the stairs, she stumbles and falls.

There is obviously an element of panic as I rush her to the hospital, just to get checked (don’t worry, we didn’t shove Zach under the stairs Harry Potter style, my sister was ushered in to look after him).

While scanning the babies heart beat, the heart kept stopping, so the hospital decided to keep Becky in overnight so that they could monitor her and the baby. The next morning, very early, I get a phone call to say that I need to get to the hospital right now - the baby is coming via emergency caesarian and premature.

Thankfully, I got there just in time, only to be presented with a lifeless little boy, briefly, before they snatched him away to be incubated.

Thankfully, everything was well in the end, at least for a few months. Unfortunately, after several illnesses, he took a turn for the worse and ended up in hospital fighting for his life. It was at this point that it was discovered he had a hole in his heart and needed open heart surgery.

Due to the illnesses, we had to wait for the surgery so that he could bulk up - when you look at photos of him pre-op now, you can smile at how podgy he became.

When the day came, we took him to St Thomas’s Evelina Hospital in London and he was sent into surgery. There really is no feeling quite like watching your baby put to sleep, knowing you may not see them again. I felt like I wanted to collapse, but needed to be strong for Becky.

Thankfully, everything went well and I’m happy to say that Jake is now a healthy 8 year old, although there have been complexities. Jake has Global Developmental Delay, has had one other operation and is also currently being assessed for Autism. This makes day to day life something of a challenge as we navigate our way through Jake’s various habits and his downright stubbornness.

One last thing before getting to the golf - my wife was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia a few years ago. This condition is a tricky one to treat and often gets misdiagnosed for other illnesses due to the multitude of symptoms involved.

Ultimately, this condition has a big impact on her life, as well as our families. She is almost constantly in pain, sometimes being near to debilitating and is also empathic, which means emotions run high in our household!

Which brings me to golf and the purpose of this blog. The purpose was not to be self indulgent or wallow in self pity. This article isn’t designed to promote sympathy for me either. It’s simply this - to provide context as to why golf has become such an important part of my life.

I mentioned earlier in the article about the buildup to my Dad’s birthday and the various emotions I normally go through. This year I realised that the reason I wasn’t feeling this way was because I had another focus - Golf.

For me, Golf is very much an escape. There is so much going on at home (I haven’t even discussed work pressures here), that for just a few hours I can forget about anything that’s wrong with the world and just focus on the task at hand - getting that ball from A to B, hopefully in as few shots as possible.

The routines that you go through on the course are therapeutic. Connecting with nature by being outside is grounding. It’s a great form of exercise that doesn’t put too much strain on ankles etc, but still burns the calories.

It’s given me common ground to connect with my Step-Father - someone that I adore, as well as spending time with my brother in law, old friends and meeting new ones. It’s also given me the opportunity to re-connect with my grandfather (albeit spiritually) by giving me the opportunity to see “his” bench at Lydd.

So for me, Golf is a massive part of maintaining my physical wellbeing. But it also plays arguably an even bigger role in my mental health. The golf club is a sanctuary where I can see friends and relax. I can laugh at my bad shots and celebrate my good ones. I can also do the same with my playing partners - although it can be competitive, largely golf is more about you vs the course, so it makes it easy to cheer on each other as you all have the same ups and downs throughout a round.

Thankyou for taking the time to read this. If you are a member at Kingsnorth Golf Club and ever fancy a chat, feel free to ask - I’m all ears (quite literally).

If any of the above has affected you, I’ve included some links below for a couple of charities that may be of interest. Please feel free to donate if you feel like it (please note I am not affiliated to these companies in any way).

MIND

CALM

MACMILLAN

Once again - thanks everyone until next time!